Monthly Archives: April 2012

I’m a new mom

I’m a mom now. I have a beautiful little girl. She has her father’s eyes. She has a tuft of thick hair on the back of her head, just like me, just like my mom. At night when we go to sleep, I change her diaper and I feed her, and afterwards I put her on my chest and pat her back to burp her. Then I lay back and let her fall asleep on my chest. I like having her sleep this way because I can hear her breathe. I’m terrified that she’ll suddenly stop breathing.

I love how my daughter brings people together. I’ve been fighting with my mom a lot lately. The fights have been so intense that without my daughter here they could be cause for bewilderment between us. But my daughter has been the good reason for us to settle our differences. Today we had a baby shower for her. We invited neighbors and old friends. An old friend came from jr. high, someone I haven’t even seen in maybe 8 years. I realized how much I used to care for this person, and how we can have a real friendship again if we tried. We just needed an excuse to try. My daughter was that reason.

I love my daughter’s big eyes, how they remind me of her father. I love the way her skin feels and the way her breathing sounds. She doesn’t speak yet and all she really does is feed, rest and empty the needs of her metabolism- so in a way I feel like she’s showing me only a sliver of herself. Right now she is needy and dependent, yet indifferent and not present. It sounds like a bad thing, but the fact that I love her so much even now even when she requires so much energy and attention… it just excites me for the day when she is able to speak and respond and engage and display her ideas.

I can’t wait to hear her sing.


The Medici Effect

I’ve been reading this book called The Medici Effect. It’s about finding creativity through something called the intersection. Here is what the back cover says:

The Medici Effect,Frans Johansson takes us on a fascinating journey to the Intersection: a place where ideas and concepts from diverse industries, cultures, departments, and disciplines collide, ultimately igniting an explosion of ideas leading to extraordinary innovations.

I guess big shot corporate guys buy this book and implement it among their staff to try and encourage more iPad success stories. But for me so far what I’ve been getting out of it is:

  • It’s a good thing to pursue what you’re interested in and truly passionate about
  • You don’t need to be the master at one thing in order to make a living at it- in fact, failing to cultivate your other interests and passion could be the stagnant force that prevents you from breaking through and accomplishing anything amazing.
  • Good ideas come out of a great many ideas. Being prolific is the key to quality.
  • Failing is a good thing. Everybody fails. The key is learning from it and moving on.
  • Keep overhead low and don’t wipe yourself out financially trying to accomplish one project.

That’s what I’ve got so far.

This is great because I’ve been nervous of late in my simultaneous pursuit of several projects: motherhood, music, screenwriting, activism… I was thinking I would have to give something up in order to realize success in any one of the  others. But I’m not going to give a damn thing up. I want to be a mom dammit. And besides, this kid was begotten from God’s ether. She showed up in my uterus- I just answered the door. And I can never quit music. No way, no how. I’ve tried before and I became spiritually crippled for two years. So screw that.

My note to self for the week is to show up to the job, work the ideas, projects, songs, and life purposes I have- and to not sit around worrying and fussing, in total paralysis, over which one I should be doing, and what I should give up for now.

My daughter will be born any day

I’ve been cooking a little girl for just about 40 weeks now. She is finally ready to come out! But today is April 1st, so her father and I are hoping she’ll wait until tomorrow… Although honestly I’m so physically uncomfortable as well as eager for her company I wouldn’t mind a lifetime of jokes and stigma surrounding an April Fool’s Day birthday. Only thing is the doctors might think what we’re choosing to name her is an April Fool’s joke in and of itself…

Things they don’t tell you before you get pregnant:

  • You get a ton of boogers… With your immune system on hyper drive, your body produces a lot of mucous.
  • You get really chapped lips… Because your nose is always full of boogers, when you sleep, you have to breathe through your mouth more. Because you’re breathing through your mouth the entire length of the night, you get cotton mouth, and super chapped lips.
  • Life without your period is truly amazing.
  • People give you presents. You don’t have to buy your kid a damn thing for all the presents you’ll get- so if you’re holding back from having kids because you’re worried about the cost- don’t be so concerned. They don’t need much stuff anyways. We’ve spent $160 total for everything we need so far. Just make sure your medical is covered.
  • Speaking of medical stuff… No one will ever ask for your biological fluids as often as when you’re pregnant.
  • Your husband/partner will fall ever more deeply in love with you when you’re carrying his child.
  • Instead of getting cat-calls from middle-aged men, you’ll start getting kitten-calls from middle-aged women who think your baby bump is super cute.

There’s a lot about pregnancy I would recommend. Especially being on the younger side. This pregnancy has been a total pleasure and my opinion about my body and its strength has changed all for the better. My self image has improved. My magic box has the power to create a whole new human! How fucking cool is that.