Monthly Archives: May 2013

It Takes A Family to Raise A Village

Tomorrow morning I’ll be boarding a plane for San Diego, CA to attend a conference for 18-30 year-olds who are dedicated to improving marriage culture and encouraging couples, especially couples with children, to stay together and make it work out for the sake of their kids– because society depends on a secure population that trusts each other and is burdened with as few pathologies as possible. Stable families are the vehicle to arrive at that goal.

I’ve been asked to speak and I’ve taken a few days now to prepare my powerpoint presentation. I haven’t done a powerpoint presentation since college. And in fact I have a terrible memory of that occasion… I was procrastinating and inundated with projects and assignments. I took my presentation to a cafe where I’m friends with some of the waiters. When the cafe closed I offered to drive Hugo, one of the waiters home. After telling him about how stressed I was with work I declared “I really wish I could just take some meth or something to stay awake and pull an all-nighter.” He looked at me and asked, “Do you mean that?” Turns out Hugo used to be a meth addict and I had just triggered a craving. All I know is five minutes later we were in the tenderloin (San Francisco’s “bad” neighborhood) and he was hopping back into my car with the goods. I finished the presentation, but it was insane and profoundly narcissistic. I’m embarrassed, even now. After class, on the bus ride home, I was coming down off the drugs and someone stepped on my toe. I briefly considered murdering them. I mean that in all seriousness.

I never did meth again after that and it has served me well.

My life has changed dramatically since then. The conference will be comprised of socially conservative young people who understand that “the laissez-faire” family doesn’t work and creates a lot of pain for a lot of people.

Indeed it does.

I’ll have to figure out what to do with my daughter though while I attend. Can 1-year-olds stay home by themselves if you leave a troph of food and water?

Just kidding, lucky for V, I thought ahead and married the best father of all time.

Fathers are not optional.

Not everyone in my generation is comfortable with same sex marriage. For those of us that were denied our fathers and understand the impact it had, we shiver when we read things like this:

Redefining marriage would diminish the social pressures and incentives for husbands to remain with their wives and their biological children, and for men and women to marry before having children. The concern is not so much that a relatively small number of gay or lesbian couples would be raising children; rather, it would be difficult for the law to send a message that fathers matter when the law has redefined marriage to make fathers optional.

Read the rest of the article here.

Burdens of Adoption

This is an interesting and sad story one woman writes about never meeting her mother who gave her up for adoption, despite many attempts on her mother’s part to reach out.

The woman wasn’t told until adulthood. Then she delayed.

The cost for my biological mother and I was enormous. I didn’t find out about her breast cancer; was never reminded of her letter to me, or her desire to meet me. I did not get the opportunity to make decisions in full knowledge of all the facts.

I just finished Paula Bernstein and Elyse Schein’s memoir, Identical Strangers: A Memoir of Twins Separated and Reunited, and they too never get to meet their mother. She died when they were nine years old.

It all just reminds me of the real urgency in finding your biological parents. People grow old. They bare the weight of pain. They die. …If there is someone out there that you love and they don’t know it, you have to seek them out immediately to tell them.

The Anonymous Us Tour

I am a maven of productivity this year. I made a baby, two books, a workout DVD, and finished up the script for Adam & Eva. Now Rickard and I are gearing up for The Anonymous Us Tour and initiating all the prep work to get us to California, where we’ll  make a rocous in condemnation of bill AB-460– which seeks to redefine infertility to include same sex couples and singles who wish to parent alone. The bill has anti-discrimination language, but what it really does is require insurance companies to foot the bill for every man, men, or monster that wishes to deliberately deny a child its mother through third party reproduction.

We’ll be traveling in this:

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We love to purge ourselves of excess belongings and have already donated pounds of clothing and put our books and unneeded electronics on eBay. We’ll be going to college campuses, media portals, churches and homes across the West to educate and speak about children’s rights.

Some of the time we’ll be staying at designated RV campgrounds. And sometimes we’ll be helping out at organic farms. Our 1-year-old, whom we’ll refer to as V, will come along.


Identical Strangers

God gives great gifts by golly.

I decided to pimp out my husband’s personal trainer skills at an auction for Brooklyn public schools. I offered the school complimentary personal trainer sessions as a way of advertising Happy Couple Workout and doing some good in the community. And the woman that ended up being the highest bidder is turning out to be one of the most magical serendipitous connections I’ve ever experienced.

Introducing Paula Bernstein, a Brooklyn writer who discovered at age 33 that she had an identical twin whom she had been separated from at birth–as the cruel result of a psychological experiment. Her book is titled Identical Strangers and so far, it is amazing.

Paula and her sister Elyse speak eloquently about the effects of nature vs. nurture. As someone who has pined for my biological father (and siblings?) for years now, their story hits a serious chord with me. Paula writes that she cherished her social parents. She calls them her real parents. She says she is glad her mother gave her up for adoption because she is happy and well adjusted. At the same time, she is very critical of a system and point of view that allowed for the deliberate separation of twins, for research purposes, as if she and her sister were lab mice.

Anyways I’m buying her coffee as soon as possible assuming she agrees. There is so much to talk about.